Alan Partridge in a pear tree

Well, it’s that time of year again where those two old-timers, piety and profit get upon their high horses and have their annual joust for our souls.

Christmas is always a magical time for me mainly because money does tend to always put on a vanishing act at this time of year. No matter how hard one saved during the year, carefully feathering the christmas nest, the stuff seems to simply just evaporate, even in sub-zero temperatures! Magic, I tell you. It could be something to do with all those brightly lit ‘SALE’ signs on shop windows and jingle-belled Muzak (that sounds suspiciously like old Ebenezer Scrooge shaking a bag of gold sovereigns) insidiously streaming from the speakers at the mall.

Going to the supermarket the other day, I noticed they had put out one of those horrid mechanical santas that do a what is supposed to be a jolly jig but comes off more as a poorly choreographed epileptic fit. Anyway, there’s this little boy about four or five years old trailing behind his mom as she was getting a shopping cart. When they turned to go in, the little chap encountered the festive Frankenstein.

He started, eyes went big as saucers and he burst into terrified tears.

The horror. The horror.

At the end of it all, my hall/bedsitter will be decked with boughs of holly or plastic trinkets Made in China, Christmas Cards will be purchased having forgetten to send them on in good time, a quick text message will be fired off to the loved ones. Then I’ll lovingly select and wrap virtual gifts to friends on Facebook and its off for a quick huddle to ward off the chill of Twinter.

At church on Sunday, the minister had a most positive and uplifting message for the congregation this festive season. “My brothers and sisters in Christ” said he, “as you celebrate the birth of our saviour, please do bear in mind that January is but 6 days away”.

Audiophile: Stranger in Moscow – Michael Jackson
Off my shelf: Captains Courageous – Rudyard Kipling
Midday Matinee: Valkyrie [2009]
Starring: Tom Cruise, Kenneth Branagh, Carice van Houten, Terence Stamp, Eddie Izzard, Tom Wilkinson & Bill Nighy.
Directed by: Bryan Singer & Christopher McQuarrie

AlGoreRhythm

Copenhagen’s been abustle with the climate change talks. That the movie 2012 opened shortly before certainly is no coincidence. “We were warned” goes its tagline against an image of a tidal wave swamping the Himalayas.

The prophets of doom are out again banging the drum but it would seem Richard Branson’s gone deaf in one (or perhaps both) ears. The launch of his space-touring venture ‘Virgin Galactic’ has me thinking he’s cocking a snook at those chaps trying to save the planet. I’m surprised Greenpeace aren’t picketing his London flat. Virgin Galactic will at $ 200 000 a pop, take punters on a sub-orbital flight in which one will expirience 5 full minutes of weightlessness. That’s $ 40 000 a minute. More money than sense says I.

Anyway, I can help you expirience weightlessness real easy at virtually no cost; just step into an elevator on the top floor of the empire state building and I’ll obligingly cut the cable. That particular invitation goes out to you George W. Bush. Alternatively, go up on Branson’s craft and I hope you run into a Klingon battlecruiser up there.

Someone in the US is paying attention though, greenhouse gases have been declared a health hazard meaning president Obama can bypass those fat cats in oxygen masks on capitol hill and impose laws regulating emissions. Goodbye Cadillac Escalade, I’ll miss your smoke belching rear and brick-like aerodynamics.

Don’t hug trees, they don’t hug back and only make your clothes dirty and you look silly. Plant some new ones instead.

Audiophile: Heard it through the grapevine – Creedence Clearwater Revival
Off my shelf: Moby Dick – Herman Melville
Midday Matinee: Inglourious Basterds [2009] Starring: Christoph Waltz, Brad Pitt, Til Schweiger, Eli Roth, Melànie Laurent, Michael Fassbender, Diane Krüger & Daniel Brühl
Directed by: Quentin Tarantino.

I’ll chop your balls off and feed ‘em to you

It’s hard being a man today. (no snickering)

and just what maketh a man? I certainly hope it’s more than just bulging pecs and hairy testicles. I have the latter if not the former. An aversion to both steroids and weight training has seen to that. I have always equated being a man with taking responsibility. Those guys you see who making a bollocks of things then calmly turn round to face a firing squad whilst suavely drawing on a cigarette could very well be really all that’s left of the real men (yes, Saddam too).

Now in all probability, chaps facing the business end of a rifle will probably be peeing in their pants but in history, they tend to play out as heroes.

Now, here’s a list I found on Wikipedia of the general qualities that are to be expected of a man;

1. Physical — virile, athletic, strong, brave. Unconcerned about appearance and ageing;

2. Functional — breadwinner, provider for family as much as mate

3. Sexual — sexually aggressive, experienced. Single status acceptable; (does not mind walking around naked, especially around other guys)

4. Emotional — unemotional, stoic, for example, the proverb “boys don’t cry”;

5. Intellectual — logical, intellectual, rational, objective, practical,

6. Interpersonal — leader, dominating; disciplinarian; independent, free, individualistic; demanding;

7. Other Personal Characteristics — success-oriented, ambitious, aggressive, proud, egotistical; moral, trustworthy; decisive, competitive, uninhibited, adventurous.

Tall order, that.

What makes it even more vertigo-inducing is that boys are not raised by both parents anymore, usually the mom is the primary (and sometimes only) caregiver or an equivalent substitute is adopted i.e. a nanny, au pair, governess, babysitter, aunt, sister, grandmother………..you get the idea. Men, where they haven’t bailed on their kids have been completely cut off from their sons and boys from their fathers.

Women make for great Moms but they are really lousy as Dads.

What we get is a generation of pansies; small boys trapped in grown men’s bodies for whom shirking responsibility is as easy as breathing. The reason these guys are so bipolar is probably because they have the equipment all right but they aren’t quite sure who they are and what it’s for. So they walk around going through the more obvious motions of being a man; shooting guns, watching sports, drinking beer, making money, working out, fucking and wearing Calvin Klein underwear.

Unfortunately these things are all done out of context; they shoot at unarmed civilians or overwhelmed enemies, sports are watched in a garage or a bar (hardly ever in one’s own domain), Beer is drunk on the sly or in excess, money is wasted on unnecessary luxuries to show up the Joneses rather that the basic necessities, exercise regimens are to raise the opinions of others not for health and they pay for intercourse in one way or another. Oh and by the way, the underwear’s optional. These are knights whose horses are in a petting zoo, whose armour is at the cleaners and whose lances are locked up in a safety cupboard. And yet the women still expect these poor sods to slay their dragons?

Come on.

That’s how Misandry (hatred of men/boys) has become fashionable and acceptable primarily in such matriarch-dominated societies as the United States. Small wonder then that it’s OK to wear t-shirts that say ‘boys are stupid, throw rocks at them’ in the same place where a message hating on women swiftly gets you convicted. With costs.

Lads, what we are is men.

We don’t initiate lawsuits, we shoot or punch whoever crosses us.
We don’t whine about abuse of rights, we go out and fix whatever’s wrong
Most of all, we do not wait for things to happen. We make things happen.

Audiophile: Django Reinhardt – Del Salle – Take 1 (Bruxelles to Paris:1947-1953)
Off my shelf: DK2 Vol.2 – Frank Miller, Lynn Varley
Midday Matinee: The Asphalt Jungle (1950)
Starring: Sterling Hayden, Louis Calhern, Jean Hagen, James Whitmore, Sam Jaffe and a young Marilyn Monroe
Directed by: John Huston

Obalma?

Somewhere in the world, there is a belief that you stumble every time someone mentions your name. If that is indeed true, then one Barack Obama’s toes must be very sore.

Everybody’s talking about him.

He’s young
He’s handsome
He’s articulate

He’s black.

Some have gone as far as calling him the messiah and others have gone as far as predicting that he will die in office a la Kennedy. Both make for a compelling argument. He may be a messiah of sorts; the American political system is in dire need of a saviour.

America gave us the ideals of freedom and modern democracy on one hand but it also gave us slavery, insupportable amidst grinding poverty, an arms race, racial segregation, denial of civil rights, support to dictatorial regimes, 2 unconscionable wars and a return to civil rights violations. It promised the world a dream but has delivered a nightmare instead.

After decades of decaying ideals juxtaposed against ugly realities, the American political system has reached the point where it has to make itself relevant once more to its citizens and a world disillusioned by its failures. The collective American conscience has been constantly and mercilessly pricked by the victims of its excesses. America’s moral authority has crumbled and facing a constant barrage of criticism both at home and abroad. The Bush administration(s) are I hope, the lowest point America will ever reach.

The world is tired of America. America is tired of America.

It is a heavy cross Mr. Obama carries; he is expected to make a clean sweep of of the mess George Bush leaves behind.

George W. Bush has taken the American political system to a point where it desperately needs to tear itself away from the disrepute, infamy and ridicule that he imbued upon it. He got to the oval office under a cloud, in circumstances more akin to the fledgling democracies of the 3rd world than the home of the statue of liberty. Whilst he has been minding the shop, the planet has become a more polarized, perilous, pricey and polluted place to live in. I know we cannot lay all the blame at poor old George’s feet but he hasn’t shown much by way of leadership in sorting out the ills that ail us. Rather, he has shown himself to be a somewhat myopic leader with a marked preference for sticking his head in the sand.

Barack Obama is just what we are yearning for. Actually virtually anyone short of Dick Cheney (and maybe John McCain) will do after the George Bush experience but is Barack what we really need?

I have my doubts.

I’m just not too sure if this isn’t some carefully choreographed plan by the American political system to reinvent itself in the wake of Mr. Bush’s folly. Is Mr. Obama is just a bit actor in an elaborate production? Looking back at the election campaign, I just can’t seem to shake the feeling we’re being set up for a long ride.

Let us look at the players; in the red corner, the Republicans led by a colourless John McCain. He’s the archetypal candidate for presidency; Caucasian, Male, Wealthy and Old. He comes from the same people that  that brought you George Bush, evangelical conservatism (See: John Hagee, Pat Robertson), WMD’s (where are those darn things?), Enron & Halliburton, exotic holidays at Abu Grayeb & Guantanamo Bay, waterboarding, “Say NO to Kyoto” and lots of other goodies that are as welcome as crabs in your crotch.

In the blue corner, the Democrats who had us spoilt for choice. They not only gave us a young, half-black, not-so-wealthy male candidate but they also gave us a credible female candidate. In the world of political correctness, race and gender equity, it was a win-win situation for them. The fight for the nomination was  as brutal as it was fascinating and in spite of the fears of analysts that the party would be riven in two, it served to only boost the democratic credentials of the party and begin restoring faith in the system.

So now, we have a poster-boy for freedom and the American way in Barack Obama against the big bad wolf in senator McCain. As Hollywood endings go, this one’s pretty easy to figure out.

I would urge the Prophets of doom to take a second look in their crystal balls. Obama is strategically, the best thing to happen to America right now. He’s the guy who will wash away the Bush and the all the other old-rich-white-guy stains and for that reason alone the establishment will protect him from harm. He’s here to soothe the American conscience, to regain the moral high ground. “Look at us,” Americans will say, “We’re very democratic, we voted a black man into the white house”. After which I suppose 4 years is all they will be able to stomach and they will return to their old ways. However, should Obama not play ball and shake things up a little more than he is expected to, then it may very well be open season once more.

Audiophile: Fall Out Boy – Dance, Dance
Off my shelf: DK2 Vol.1 – Frank Miller, Lynn Varley
Midday Matinee: Malena (2000)
Starring: Monica Belluci, Guissepe Sulfaro, Luciano Ferderico and Matilde Piana
Directed by: Guissepe Tornatore

Bleeding hearts; sutures or sticky plaster?

When a girl gets her heart broken, she gets a circle of friends, a tub of Häagen-Dazs and a box of Kleenex. When a boy gets his heart broken, he gets a fifth of scotch, an impatient bartender and a splitting headache the next day to go with the heartache.

Go figure.

Audiophile: Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Cheated Hearts
Off my shelf: mulling over it
Midday Matinee: The Departed (2006)
Starring: Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen and Mark Wahlberg
Directed by: Martin Scorsese

Run from the hills

I went mountain-climbing over the Easter holidays with a bunch of friends.

Bad idea. Ok, great idea (on flat surfaces like………..paper). I learnt so much just when prepping for it, the kit reqiured alone is quite something. There was the usual parkas, long underwear & boots but there was more; ponchos, gaiters, wads of chocolate, drinking water (silly me, thought we’d simply get that from streams & springs along the way and give the plug ‘bottled at source’ a whole new meaning).

Well you know us guys, we live for these sorts of things just so we have an excuse to splash out on flashy gear that’s promptly lost in the back of the closet once used. I got myself a fiddly freeplay flashlight that  one can wind up by hand or charge from the mains. It has HID bulbs for white light and 2 different settings for brightness. The best part about buying it was the bit when I was talking myself  into it figuring that I’d never have to buy batteries ever again (yeah, right).

Enough with the kit, we had a great time with a wonderful group of people, 3 of them gils who are triple-handely responsible for giving my ego such a hard time that I HAD to make it ot the summit. Sadly I cannot post photos of us going up (or down) because I’d prefer not violate their privacy. Anyway, I clambered up the mountain on a combination of blind ignorance and blithe optimism and cautiously made my way down with sundry cramps and a healthy respect for that piece of rock. Going up was pretty hard, my lungs worked like bellows all through and twice I was on the verge of turning back. Once when I ran completely out of breath and I could feel my body throwing the emergency shutdown switch and another time when I went round a bend along a cliff face only to be greeted by a sheer drop that had me convinced I must’ve had gone round the bend myself when I signed up for the climb.

It was pretty cold, dark and slippery up there. There was snow & ice everywhere so our footing was rather treacherous but with determination and a healthy fear of the razzing that the pansy who dared to give up would get. All seven of us made it to the top eventually but going back down was another experience entirely; we ran completely out of breath, suffered paralyzing cramps and gritted our way through splitting headaches followed by a 12 mile hike to a base camp at a much lower altitude much of it in pitch darkness (the hike and the camp as well). The next day saw a short hike to our pick-up point and it was a quick tumble into the waiting van and a drive back into the world of hot food and hotter showers.

I’d figured that the only was I was going up anything was by elevator but 4 flights of stairs faced us when we got back. Surprisingly they were child’s play compared to where we’d come from.

Now that’s perspective that can only be gained from a mountaintop.

Audiophile: Louis XIV – God killed the queen
Off my shelf: ‘Ducati’ – A history of Ducati Motorbikes in Racing
Midday Matinee: Frankie & Johhny (1991)
Starring: Al Pacino, Michelle Pfieffer
Directed by: Garry Marshall

Death warmed over

My computer was attacked by a virus. I had to format the damned thing and re-install everything all over again. I lost quite a few of my documents and programs, thankfully my music & pictures remained intact.

I swear I’m getting a Mac.

Audiophile: Broken Social scene – Fire eye’d boy
Off my shelf: Wilbur Smith – Monsoon
Midday Matinee: The Hidden Fortress (1958)
Starring: Toshiro Mifune
Directed by: Akira Kurosawa

Auld lang syne

Hello Hellooo helooooo,

It’s a new year once gain with debts to be conveniently forgotten and resolutions to be secretly broken, goals to be missed by miles and a time-machine to be perfected (someone I know has been the same age for the past 3 years). Immortality has come to us a little earlier than we had anticipated and not quite in the form we had imagined.

Audiophile: The White Stripes – Fell in love with a girl
Off my shelf: Marina Lewynka – A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian
Midday Matinée – Cousin Bette (1998)
Starring: Jessica Lange, Elizabeth Shue and Bob Hoskins
Directed By: Des McAnuff

Gone Fishin’

Well, that’s it for this year (pick your jaw off the floor). We’re closing for the Christmas holidays and on through to the new year. I’m actually looking forward to not blogging because I can use this time to put my thoughts together and come up with some of the stuff I’ll be posting next year. That’s kind of a relief since I’m sort of coming to the conclusion I’m a sprint blogger rather than an endurance one. If I were to think of what animal best describes my style it would probably be a leopard or a cheetah (I can see you rolling your eyes over there). I prefer writing in short bursts that tend to sneak up on me which is somewhat the opposite of my reading habits. I can continuously rip through a book for days on end if I find it interesting enough.

Anyhoo, merry Christmas and a joyous new year to you all.

I’ll probably be sneaking in a post now & then after all, leopards don’t hibernate.

In my ear: Stereophonics – Maybe Tomorrow
Off my shelf: Michael Ondaatje – The English Patient
Midday Matinee: After the sunset (2004)
Starring: Pierce Brosnan, Salma Hayek, Woody Harrelson
Directed by: Brett Ratner

MoodBuster

It’s Tuesday and it’s wet. I decided to come in early today since I didn’t feel hungry when I woke up and that shortened my morning routine somewhat. The commute was a little hairy due to the slippery roads and various maniacs behind the wheel, at 6.30am no less. So much for a nice quiet drive in. Got to the office in one piece in spite of Penelope acting up. I’m in a good mood though, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that everyone else at the office is so dour.

*Calvin – Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around .

*7.17 am: Phone call from someone I really like! At least she’s not gloomy.
She reminds me that even though it’s cold & grey outside, I don’t have to be the same on the inside.

That girl should put her sunshine in jars and sell it. Then again, maybe it’s better that she spreads it around for free.